Having a relationship is not an easy work — yes, I said it, work. As relationship involves 2 people, it’s only natural that there will be differences that are needed to be worked on, in order each person feels happy with the decision. In other words, relationship equals to a lot of compromises from each party.
Speaking of differences and compromises, the constant effort of meeting each other in the middle has become so habitual. Unlike when we were single, anytime we wanted to make a decision, we seem to get this kind of alarm at the back of our head to consider our significant other. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but at some point, we seem to “sacrifice” a part of ourselves along the process of us making a decision.
Now, when it’s been pointed out like that, it’s kind of harsh… Because the possibility of us changing from the person we once were before we got into the relationship is quite concerning. That is if we don’t respect ourselves, our passion and needs, enough to be our own person. A healthy relationship is one where two independent people just make a deal that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves.
The Signs
We lose ourselves in relationships because we don’t feel worthy of love and our boundaries are weak. When we love ourselves, we know how we want to feel and be in the relationship. Losing ourselves in a relationship can create anxiety, resentment, or even hopelessness, and can cause us to rebel, or express ourselves in exaggerated or extreme ways that can threaten the connection. So, what are the signs that can tell that we have lost ourselves in the relationship?
1. You’ve lost touch with your own goals, passions and life purpose
Remember when we were so full of hope? Feel like that’s been crushed and you’ve let your life’s purpose come second? That’s a big red flag that you’ve allowed yourself to take the backseat in your relationship.
2. Not speaking up about your wants & desires
Maybe because like hoovering down an entire bag of chips, ignoring what we really want feels great at the moment. When we ignore things like our desires and wants that are messy and take hard work, we can put our head in the sand. We can go on like it’s all not happening until we’re so overtaken with regret and resentment that we just can’t stand it any longer.
3. You’re controlling and perfectionistic with the people around you
As the reality of our daily life is that we’re bored to tears and working at half the level of joy we could be, it’s become vitally important that everyone else acts how we expect. Perhaps because we don’t even know who we are anymore, but we’re pretty convinced we’re right about how everyone else is. If someone else were to be happy or follow their own bliss, it would force us to consider our own lack of the same.
4. You attend to everyone else’s needs first, which is silently eating away at you
Except it’s not really silent since everyone around us can sense the toxic resentment that seeps through our pores like sewage in a leach field. To everyone around you, you come off like a long-suffering, put-upon martyr. Sacrificing ourselves for the relationship we’re in isn’t good for us and it’s can be fatal for our partner’s attraction to us. When we don’t take responsibility for the fact that we’ve let our own light go out, it’s easy to look around and decide that it’s someone else’s fault. This is both a cop out and a way to absolve ourselves of responsibility for our own happiness.
5. The hopeless feeling that you’ve sold yourself out weaves itself into your inner dialogue
“This isn’t all it’s cracked up to be” — Remember those hopes and dreams you’ve had before? You wake up every morning with a vague sense that “it’s not gonna happen.”
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
— Ernest Hemingway